The best thing about having a blog no one reads is you can say whatever you feel like and not take any shit for it.
Memorial Day is a hard day/weekend for me. I run the risk one of the few who remembers I'm technically a Vet will say thank you and I never ...No. I was going to say I don't know how to react and the truth is I do-Just say thanks and move on, but it's hard for me.
I'm not a REAL veteran. I don't deserve it. I got the DD 214 and I got an Honorable discharge. Did everything they told me or ask me to to the best of my ability. Anyone says different can say it to my face and if they're still standing afterward they can kiss my ass, BUT...and it's a pretty big but, I should have done more. I will never be, can never be OK with how that whole thing turned out. I broke. It's probably not fair to say they broke me. They certainly don't think so. Truth is i wanted to serve my country and I couldn't cut it. Couldn't go the distance and i'll never forgive myself for...falling short in one of the most important endeavor any free citizen can ever undertake. I should have done better and I by God should have done more. I'll never know how to be OK with the fact that I didn't.
So when someone who knows I served but doesn't know how badly wants to thank me I'm filled with shame and self loathing. I want so much to tell them to thank a policemen or and EMT or a nurse, a REAL soldier. Someone who deserves it. Anyone but me. But, how can you ever explain It. You know they mean well. Their hearts are in the right place and it's not about you. It's about all the people who ever put on a uniform and served a cause greater than their own. So you grit your teeth and bite your tongue and say thanks, not for yourself but for all those who did what you didn't. Those who served with REAL honor and not just the paperwork fairy tale version.
So many sins. So very many debts to pay and only my words with which to pay them. My words are woefully inadequate, but they're all I have.
I'll do what I've always done, what all those before me did far better than I. I'll make do, do my best and soldier on, because I took and oath 3222 day ago and it's not the sort of oath you can ever un-take.
In reality I'm a wash-up broken down overly idealistic patriot who once had delusions of grandeur and stars in his eyes. Who failed at the most important task her ever got his grimy soft hands on, but...in my heart and in my spirit, for whatever it's worth i will always be an American Soldier with all the duties and responsibilities that go with that title. I'm a douchebag for whining when so many, some much better than I am paid a price far dearer than I ever will, than I ever could. I live my life in service and in debt to all of those who went before me and come after me and honorably bare the burden I was to weak to bare. I can never truly pay that debt, but I can never stop trying either. And that's what Memorial Day means to me.
Memorial Day is a hard day/weekend for me. I run the risk one of the few who remembers I'm technically a Vet will say thank you and I never ...No. I was going to say I don't know how to react and the truth is I do-Just say thanks and move on, but it's hard for me.
I'm not a REAL veteran. I don't deserve it. I got the DD 214 and I got an Honorable discharge. Did everything they told me or ask me to to the best of my ability. Anyone says different can say it to my face and if they're still standing afterward they can kiss my ass, BUT...and it's a pretty big but, I should have done more. I will never be, can never be OK with how that whole thing turned out. I broke. It's probably not fair to say they broke me. They certainly don't think so. Truth is i wanted to serve my country and I couldn't cut it. Couldn't go the distance and i'll never forgive myself for...falling short in one of the most important endeavor any free citizen can ever undertake. I should have done better and I by God should have done more. I'll never know how to be OK with the fact that I didn't.
So when someone who knows I served but doesn't know how badly wants to thank me I'm filled with shame and self loathing. I want so much to tell them to thank a policemen or and EMT or a nurse, a REAL soldier. Someone who deserves it. Anyone but me. But, how can you ever explain It. You know they mean well. Their hearts are in the right place and it's not about you. It's about all the people who ever put on a uniform and served a cause greater than their own. So you grit your teeth and bite your tongue and say thanks, not for yourself but for all those who did what you didn't. Those who served with REAL honor and not just the paperwork fairy tale version.
So many sins. So very many debts to pay and only my words with which to pay them. My words are woefully inadequate, but they're all I have.
I'll do what I've always done, what all those before me did far better than I. I'll make do, do my best and soldier on, because I took and oath 3222 day ago and it's not the sort of oath you can ever un-take.
In reality I'm a wash-up broken down overly idealistic patriot who once had delusions of grandeur and stars in his eyes. Who failed at the most important task her ever got his grimy soft hands on, but...in my heart and in my spirit, for whatever it's worth i will always be an American Soldier with all the duties and responsibilities that go with that title. I'm a douchebag for whining when so many, some much better than I am paid a price far dearer than I ever will, than I ever could. I live my life in service and in debt to all of those who went before me and come after me and honorably bare the burden I was to weak to bare. I can never truly pay that debt, but I can never stop trying either. And that's what Memorial Day means to me.
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